A Student Accused Me of Something I didn't Do, So I Did What All Professors Do

I performed a structural analysis of my professorial ego states.

Earlier this semester a student accused me of ignoring her emails. It happened in class shortly after I asked her about missing the last two activities. Her reply went something like this:

Well, you haven't responded to any of my emails, so I'm not sure what else to do...

I could feel a wall of defensiveness forming inside of me. I make it a point to respond to student emails within a day whenever possible, and here was a suggestion that I had missed multiple emails from the same student. How dare she, I thought. It bothered me all day, and it continued to bother me into the next morning. That's when I decided to analyze it.

For context, I'm following the "Taking Personal Inventory" chapter of my book Life is Easier Than It Seems, which shows how to conduct a structural analysis on your own ego states.

Here was the gist of our transactional exchange: 

Me: How dare you accuse me of something I haven’t done. (CP)

Her: I’m so sorry, I’ll never do it again.

Me: You had better not.

I later recognized that this student misheard or misunderstood me in class while I was taking role. So she felt ignored, and I felt unjustly attacked.

 

Seek first to understand, then seek to be understood (Covey). I would have been served well by this adage.

Taking Inventory:

 

Ego State	Professorial Role
Critical Parent	Phrases: You’re doing it wrong. We have to do it my way. My way is the best way. Stop talking. What are you smiling about? No looking at your phone. How dare you come into my class late. Excuse me?? I’m right. You’re doing it all wrong. Shame on you. Tone: Authoritative/authoritarian. Strong. Stern. Overconfident. Body language: Disappointed look. Preparation to be disappointed. Vexation.
Nurturing Parent	Phrases: What do you want to do? That’s okay. I’m so sorry you feel that way/that happened. But what do you think? Is that alright with you? How does that sound? Tone: soft-voiced. High eyebrows. Head nods. Body language: Climbing on the desks. Leaning forward. Showing intense interest. Exuding calm.
Adult	Phrases: Here is what makes the most sense to me for us to do. This is my observation. Here are my thoughts about that. It is my opinion that that would be a good place to start. Tone: Level. Normal speaking voice. Body Language: relaxed. Sitting comfortably. Walking around if needing to think hard about something. Relaxed face.
Adapted Child	Phrases: I’m sorry about that. I didn’t mean to. You go ahead. Tone: Whiney. Quiet. Weak. Body language: small. Unimposing. Drawn back. Look of fear.
Free Child	Phrases: I want to… I feel like we should… I wonder what would happen if…  Tone: Giggling. Laughter. Body Language: Staring conspiriatorily into the distance. Wide eyed.

What does this tell me?

Performing a structural analysis helps me identify what I'm trying to accomplish when I inter/act with students in different ways. Then I can consider the goals of professor - student interaction and decide which role or roles best facilitates the goals.

Looking at the exchange I had above, I exhibited two ego states: Adapted Child (defensive, embarrassed, resentful) and Critical Parent (critical, stern, authoritarian). The Adapted Child ego state is unhelpful, because he can't take responsibility or solve problems. AC is a means of avoidance and withdrawal. The Critical Parent is frequently exhibited by college professors, but this sort of "Do what I say" teaching destroys student motivation and isn't fun for anybody.

The two much better ego states for me to use are Free Child ("learning is fun!") and Adult ("This is the way that learning works the best"). Some professors can use Nurturing Parent, but that doesn't come naturally to me.

In the future, I can practice recognizing which ego states I am exhibiting based on what I say and how I feel. Later, I can come up with alternative actions and responses that resemble Free Child and Adult ego states.